In the grand theater of storytelling, one trope reigns supreme: enemies to lovers.
Why are we so obsessed with watching characters go from throwing shade to locking lips? Is it the thrill of the chase, or lingering childhood traumas that lead us to cheer for the most toxic pairings?
Let’s dive in to see why the enemies-to-lovers trope is so attractive.
Why Do I Like Enemies to Lovers?
The enemies-to-lovers trope is popular because it amplifies the female hero myth — taming a beast. Most romances center on a heroine reforming a powerful man into a bonded mate. Initial animosity is a better starting point for developing deeper conflict and thus a stronger emotional payoff.
This female hero myth is the very foundation of the romance genre. It centers around a male character who displays a level of dominance — a billionaire, a competitive coworker, a vampire, a Fae prince — within a specific social setting. His socioeconomic competence is portrayed through leadership, ambition, confidence, and maybe even a menacing appearance.
Then comes the female heroine who transforms this man into a devoted partner.
Unfortunately, an undoubted belief in this myth often backfires in real-life dating:
- A) We sometimes confuse man’s arrogance with ambition or confidence.
- B) We tend to believe that the right man will change for us.
These beliefs might lead to several pitfalls of real-life dating.
We sometimes mistake man’s arrogance for charisma.
The truth is, when a man is cocky, it often signals narcissism. While we believe we have inspired the best to come out of him, his smooth nonchalance is often a result of a well-practiced game. He’s probably hit on so many women to know what works and what doesn’t.
Secondly, a man will only get his life together when he himself wants to. Love can inspire this change, but it will only happen when he’s ready.
This feeling of being special to a ‘high-value’ man is addictive and only a few of us are immune to it. Because we don’t want nice guys. We want a powerful man, who is nice to us. This is why we sometimes fall for the wrong guy, even though many red flags tell us otherwise.
So why are we drawn to the wrong men? Sometimes even those we dislike?
And why are we mesmerized by this concept in stories?
Here is a scientific blurb about this phenomenon.
The Psychology of Enemies-to-Lovers Trope
Although love and hate seem polar opposites, the same brain parts are responsible for it.
Professor Semir Zeki led an experiment to see what happens in our brains when we hate someone. And lo and behold, he found that the same brain circuits light up as when we love someone.
These two parts of the brain are called “the putamen” and “the insula”, and they become particularly active when either feeling is experienced.
This means that biologically hate and love are equally intense passions, that often lead to the same behavior. People do the dumbest things but also the most heroic acts out of love or hate.
This overlap explains why people can swing between love and hate, and why both emotions can lead to similar outcomes— impulsive decisions, obsessive thoughts, reckless or brave behavior.
When we feel strongly about someone, whether positively or negatively, the brain doesn’t always distinguish between the two. We are led by the intensity of the emotion regardless of the source. That’s why in toxic relationships, we sometimes find ourselves caught in emotional rollercoasters of extreme highs and lows.
Because in order to bond with someone we need to feel something. And our brain sometimes fails to ascertain the healthiness of the emotion’s source. The worst thing a guy can be in dating is being boring. We crave emotional stimulation, even if it’s negative.
It can be frustrating, but by understanding this phenomenon, we can use it to our advantage.
I Hate Him but I Want Him
When considering this topic, I remembered a particular article that has stuck with me.
It’s the story of an educated woman who met her soon-to-be ex-husband, who had left her for another woman. They met to discuss custody arrangements for their daughter when he announced his plans to marry the other woman. She became so furious that she saw red.
And then, they slept together.
Looking at it from the outside, you might think: WTF?
However, there is a psychological explanation for this paradox.
It all goes back to the damn putamen and insula. Unsurprisingly, these two light up the same part of the brain stimulated during sex – the amygdala and hippocampus.
The amygdala is the part of the ‘lizard brain’ responsible for managing our most powerful emotions, including fear. This is the one to blame for your anxiety attacks.
The hippocampus is responsible for memory processing and works closely with the amygdala. This is why our memories are typically emotionally charged.
Interestingly, during emotionally intense moments, all these brain circuits completely overpower the frontal lobe, distorting rational decisions and memory processing.
So, when you’re in the middle of a dramatic showdown with your cheating ex, this cocktail of brain activity can shut down your rational thinking and twist your memories. You forget everything and suddenly, jumping into bed with him seems like a great idea.
Though this is an extreme example, it illustrates how our brains can work against us.
How To Avoid Falling for the Wrong Guy
Next time you find yourself in a questionable situation with someone you shouldn’t, keep in mind that your brain is sabotaging you. You must get in control of your emotions, otherwise your emotions will control you.
Simply put, you need to engage your frontal lobe asap.
The best way to engage your ratio is first to be mindful of your present emotional state without trying to modify it. Then take deep breaths, because mindful breathing calms down the amygdala.
Second, remember the biology behind what’s happening to you: the putamen and insula are sabotaging you. If you can recall these terms, you’re starting to regain control over your memory processing.
Lastly, and possibly the most effective one, is to consider the consequences. Visualize the guy swaggering off in the morning with a sense of victory while you are left in shambles. If this does not smack you back to reality, I don’t know what will.
However, not all hate-to-love relationships must necessarily be venomous. Sometimes, people move past their initial antipathy and find lasting happiness together.
But how can we differentiate between genuine red flags and a simple misjudgment of someone? Could overindulging in the enemies-to-lovers trope deepen this confusion, leading us to toxic people?
Let’s examine how this trope might negatively influence our perception of healthy relationships.
Is Enemies-to-Lovers Trope Toxic?
In short, it depends.
Enemies-to-lovers stories can create unrealistic expectations for real-life relationships. Happiness comes when reality exceeds expectations, while unhappiness often results from unrealistic fantasies. This trope might lead us to believe that we can “fix” a toxic person through love, which, spoiler alert, isn’t true.
Another potential issue of this trope can be romanticizing conflict. When negative behaviors are glossed over or justified in the name of love, it sends a dangerous message that such actions are acceptable or desirable in a relationship.
The trope often involves significant power imbalances. One character may exert control or dominance over the other, creating a dynamic where the less powerful character is stuck in permanent defense mode. This can mirror real-life toxic relationships, where power and control play detrimental roles.
However!
When written thoughtfully, these narratives can explore themes of redemption, personal growth, and the power of understanding and empathy. They can showcase characters overcoming their flaws and past mistakes to build healthier relationship.
As a whole, enemies-to-lovers stories aren’t inherently toxic. If they romanticize harmful behavior without addressing underlying issues, they can reinforce unhealthy dynamics. But if they emphasize growth, mutual respect, and healthy conflict resolution, they can powerfully depict love overcoming adversity.
As with any trope, the magic is in how the story is told.
Love To Hate
The experiment mentioned above revealed a slight biological difference between love and hate.
“One major difference between love and hate appears to be in the fact that large parts of the cerebral cortex – associated with judgment and reasoning – become deactivated during love, whereas only a small area is deactivated in hate.” Professor Zeki explained.
This means we do more ridiculous things when we’re in love than when we hate someone because plotting revenge at least takes some brainpower.
So being in love makes us completely moronic while hating someone can make us do stupid things, albeit more planned.
This is also why love can turn into hate, and people who once loved each other turn into sworn enemies. And why this change in relationship status can lead to very inventive acts of revenge.
How Do You Turn an Enemy into a Lover?
Turning an enemy into a lover requires a transition typically elicited by shared emotional experience. Both parties must share the emphatic wavelength while working toward a common goal, which leads to attraction and bonding.
According to a renowned psychiatrist Alok Kanojia, also known as Dr. K, sharing a complex emotional experience with someone leads to relationship chemistry. This emotional experience can be even unpleasant, or scary, which leads to a positive outcome.
Thus, the experience of going through hardship brings people together.
This is why war buddies are friends for life.
And also why people often hook up in rehab.
So if you like a guy who irritates you but, for some stupid reason, you’re still attracted to him, it’s time to rethink your strategy. Rather than hitting on him directly, which might push him away, focus on the situational context. Devise a scenario where you both have to work together to solve a problem — something only the two of you can handle.
It should be a situation where something is at stake, and both of you stand to lose if it doesn’t work out. While it shouldn’t be a life-or-death scenario, it should create enough tension to stir little jitters.
Simply put, you need to create an interesting plot within a real-life context.
Examples include: helping out a mutual friend, joining a group for an adrenaline-filled outdoor adventure, or collaborating on a work project that would benefit him, etc.
And there you have it. The same elements that make the trope effective in fiction also work in real life — working toward a common goal, high stakes, and forced proximity.
Enemies to Lovers in Media
For all the reasons mentioned above, watching two people deny their feelings until they can’t anymore is addictive. Whether in books or movies, we can’t get enough of it.
If you are tired of the usual suspects typically recommended for this trope (Pride and Prejudice,10 Things I Hate About You, etc.), here are some fresh examples.
Enemies-to-Lovers Movies
Palm Springs (2020) is a rom-com about a couple stuck in an infinite time loop reliving the same day over and over. While not a novel idea, this movie is so endearingly demented it’s a must-watch for fans of this trope.
The Hating Game (2021) ) is a classic take on the rivals-to-lovers trope, featuring a couple vying for the same job. The plot isn’t groundbreaking, but the leads have such electric chemistry that you’ll want them to stop competing and just start making out already.
Stardust (2007) is often unfairly omitted from the enemies-to-lovers list. This enchanting fairytale follows a young man’s quest to retrieve an uncooperative fallen star, only to unexpectedly fall in love with her. Michelle Pfeifer as an evil witch, and Robert De Niro as a gay pirate are standout highlights that should not be missed.
Enemies-to-Lovers Shows
Bridgerton: Season 2 (2022) is a popular example of this trope that left us all with the conviction that we either be “the bane of someone’s existence” or nothing at all. We quote the lines from the show and throw Bridgerton-themed parties to live out our Regency drama fantasies. This is an absolute must-watch from the E2L list.
(If you like enemies-to-lovers movies based on popular novels, there are a few good ones worth checking out on Passionflix)
Maxton Hall (2024 – ) is a German series on Prime Video set in a prestigious school of the same name. Sharp-tongued scholarship student Ruby accidentally stumbles on a juicy secret, and arrogant millionaire heir James is not amused. He’s set to silence her with his money and charm, but instead Ruby gives him a run for his money — literally.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013 – 2021) drops a hilarious spin on this trope. Jake’s goofy antics and Holt’s deadpan seriousness start like a mismatched buddy cop movie, full of friction and eye rolls. But over time, Holt’s stoic demeanor and Jake’s relentless goofiness mix into a surprisingly sweet bond.
Enemies-to-Lovers Books
Tormentor Mine (2017) by Anna Zaires and Dima Zales takes this trope to a new level. A Russian tormentor, Peter Sokolov, must extort information from Sara but catches feelings instead. This dark romance with steamy twists and questionable work boundaries is definitely worth checking out.
From Lukov with Love (2018) by Mariana Zapata follows figure skaters Jasmine Santos and Ivan Lukov who after years of icy rivalry decide to team up as skating partners. If you are looking for a slow-burn, enemies-to-friends-to-lovers contemporary romance, you just found it.
The Cruel Prince (2018) by Holly Black is the first installment of the Folk of the Air series. Jude and her sisters are kidnapped into the world of Faerie after witnessing their parents’ murder, where Jude has to endure the torment of Faerie nobles for being mortal. To survive, she must outsmart the treacherous court and deal with the maddeningly attractive Prince Cardan. If you’re a fan of Fae enemies-to-lovers and a healthy dose of betrayal, this series will quickly become your new obsession.
(For more Fae-filled romantasy, check out this list of binge-worthy Fae romance series)
Enemies-to-Lovers Fandom
Fan culture is pivotal in popularizing the enemies-to-lovers trope, with fan fiction and communities driving its widespread appeal. Here is a place where people enthusiastically share theories, memes, and fan art that brings the trope to life in hilarious and unexpected ways.
Platforms like AO3 and Wattpad are teeming with stories that delve into the dance of conflict and attraction, providing fans with endless variations of their beloved trope.
My favorite is the Reddit thread Romance Books Community, where the fans are both the audience and the writers, constantly cooking up new drama and insights:
“Watching the world’s most dysfunctional idiots antagonizing each other into falling in love is for some reason something that makes my dead heart beat a little.”
Reddit Wisdoms
“There’s something compelling and satisfying about the idea of love humbling a formerly arrogant man and bringing him to his knees. Like Mr. Darcy!”
“Imo it’s the simplest explanation of this trope: To be loved is to be changed.”
Fan communities allow us to collectively lose our minds, and it is oddly liberating.
if you haven’t already, I encourage you to join too 🙂
Conclusion
So why is the enemies-to-lovers trope so popular?
In conclusion, the enemies-to-lovers trope has us hooked because it hits that sweet spot of every romance — the classic tale of transforming a “beast” into a heartthrob. Maybe it’s because deep down, we all secretly love the idea of turning our biggest pain into something beautiful.
Sure, there are valid concerns about the potential toxicity of this dynamic, but let’s be real: not every fictional feud has to mirror a red flag. It’s okay to indulge in a romance where the sparks fly from heated banter, as long as we remember that real-life love shouldn’t require a battle plan.
So, go ahead and enjoy those tension-filled, eyebrow-raising love stories, but keep your wits about you. After all, a little fantasy never hurt anyone — as long as you leave the epic showdowns and dramatic confessions to the characters on the page.
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